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A man goes to see his doctor. The doctor asks what is wrong and the man says, "Doctor, I think I'm a moth." To this the doctor responds, "You think you're a moth? Well I don't think you need a doctor. Sounds like what you need is a therapist." "Yeah I know," replies the patient. "I was on my way to see a therapist, but I came in here because I saw your light was on.

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?" Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella.

We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and she didn't want them to cross there anymore.  

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes.
Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God....!" Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out
of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, told
others I didn't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do
you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as
a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light and said: "It would be
hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now,
but perhaps, could you make the  BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord,
bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly
thankful, Amen.

Two guys are being chased by a bear, when one stops to  
put on his sneakers.  
The other guy yells, "You idiot, you can't outrun a bear."  
The first guy gasps, "I don't have to outrun a bear - I  
just have to outrun you."  

A duck walks into a job center and says to the man behind the desk 'Excuse me; I'm looking for a job. Can you help?'
The man can't believe it and replies 'hold on minute sir, I'll make some enquiries for you'....the man then phones up a showbiz agency and explains that there's this amazing talking duck wanting a job and could the agent find him work in a show somewhere. Obviously the agent is excited and has no problem in finding a show for the duck.
The man goes back to the duck and says 'Good news sir, I've found you job in show business'
With this the duck replies 'That’s no good, I'm a plumber'

Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of  
Home.'  
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."  
"Is it common?"  
"Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'"  

A bear walks into a bar and says "Bartender, give me a  
gin.....................................................  
.......................................................  
.....................and tonic.  
Bartender says , sure buddy but what's up with the long  
pause?  
The bear looks at his hands and say I dunno, my dad had  
them too.  

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to  
get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn  
and started circling his head.  
Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer  
didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out  
into his bucket.  
It went in one ear and out the udder.  

 A man goes to see his doctor. The doctor asks what is wrong and the man says, "Doctor, I think I'm a moth." To this the doctor responds, "You think you're a moth? Well I don't think you need a doctor. Sounds like what you need is a therapist." "Yeah I know," replies the patient. "I was on my way to see a therapist, but I came in here because I saw your light was on.

A man walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, you  
have to help. I think I'm a dog."  
The doctor says, "How long have you had this feeling?"  
The man responds, "Ever since I was a puppy."  

A turtle went to NY City and found himself in a bad  
neighborhood, where he was mugged by a gang of snails.  
The cops asked him what happened, and he said, "I don't  
really know, it all happened so fast!

One ship carrying blue paint collided with another ship carrying red paint. The crew is missing and believed to be marooned!

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but
I couldn't find any.

Two blondes are standing on opposite sides of a wide river.  
"How do I get to the other side?" yelled the first blonde.  
The other blonde yelled back, "You ARE on the other side!"

Two cows are standing in a field. One turns to the other  
and says, "Moo".  
The other one says, "Damn, I was just about to say that!"

Q: What do you get when you cross a fish with two elephants?  
A: Swimming trunks. 

Q: Did you hear about the guy that stayed up all night to see  
where the sun went?  
A: It finally dawned on him.

Q: Why did the vet give the sick alligator Viagra?  
A: Because he had a reptile dysfunction.

 Q: What do you call a penguin in the Sahara Desert?  
A: Lost.  

Q: What do you call a penguin in the Sahara Desert?  
A: Lost.  There was a family, Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and their baby.  
Who was the biggest?  
The baby. He was a little Bigger  

Q: What's the difference between a fish and a piano?  
A: You can't tuna fish  

Q: What do you get when you cross a judge with poison ivy?  
A: Rash Decisions  

Q: Have you heard the joke about the peach?  
A: It's pitiful  

Q: How do you keep a skunk from smelling?  
A: Holds its nose.  

Q: What has more lives than a cat?  
A: A frog. It croaks every night.  

Q: What happens when you cross rice krispies with a  
   rabbit?  
A: Snap! Crackle! Hop! 

Q: Why did the fig go out with the prune?  
A: He couldn't find a date  

Q: What do you get if you cross a turtle with a porcupine?  
A: A slowpoke  

Q: Do you know how to kill a blue elephant?  
A: With a blue elephant gun.  

Q: Do you know how to kill a pink elephant?  
A: Hold his nose till he turns blue, then shoot him with  
   a blue elephant gun.  

Q: What kind of bugs do clocks have?  
A: Ticks  

Q: What kind of lights did Noah use on the ark?  
A: Floodlights.  

Q: What part of the fish weighs the most?  
A: The scales  

Q: How do you fix a broken tomato?  
A: With tomato paste.  

Q. What do you get when you cross poison ivy and a four-  
    leaf clover?  
A. A rash of good luck.  

Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?  
A: They take the psycho path.  

Q: How are a tornado and an Arkansas divorce the same?  
A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.  

Q: What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?  
A: Dam.

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?  
A: Spoiled milk.

Q: Why should you never iron a four leaf clover?  
A: Don't press your luck.  

Q: What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?  
A: A headbanger!  

Q. Did you hear about the vet and the taxidermist who  
   combined their business?  
A. Their new slogan is: "Either way you get your cat back!"  

Q: Why are fish so smart?  
A: Because they live in schools. 

Q: What happened to the cat who ate a ball of yarn?  
A: She had mittens!  

Q: Why is it so hard to fool a snake?  
A: Because you can't pull its leg.  

Q: Why did the nut stay away from the middle of the room?  
A: Because it was a walnut.  

Q: Why was the crow perched on a telephone wire?  
A: He was going to make a long-distance caw.    

Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?  
A: Laughing stock.  

Q: What bird can lift the most?  
A: A crane.  

Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?  
A: He was trying to make ends meet!  

Q: Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?  
A: To the retail store.  

Q:  What goes "oooo, oooo, oooo?"  
A:  A cow with no lips!  

Q:  Why should you walk carefully when it's raining  
    cats and dogs?  
A:  You might step in a poodle!  

Q: Why did the tree get lost in the woods?  
A: It took the wrong root.  

Q: What do you get when you cross an octopus with a cow?  
A: An animal that can milk itself.  

Q: What do you call a fish that can communicate in binary?  
A: A Data Bass.  

Q: What do you call a cow that doesn't produce milk?  
A: An udder failure. 

Q: What's the difference between a fish and a piano?
A: You can't tuna fish!

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?  
A: Frostbite. 

Q: What do you call a cow with only 2 right legs?  
A: Lean beef!  

Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?  
A: To get to the shell station.  

Q: Did you hear about the comedian owl?  
A: He was a real hoot.  

Q: What happens to frogs with too many parking tickets?  
A: They get toad.  

Q: What is unique about a goose?  
A: It grows down as it grows up.  

Q: How do you cut a wave?  
A: With a sea saw.  

Q: What do you get when you cross a skunk with a boomerang?  
A: A smell you can't get rid of!  

Q: What do stylish frogs wear?  
A: Jumpsuits.  

Q: Why don't bears wear socks?
A: Because they like to walk in their bear feet.

Q: Why did the bee go the doctor?
A: It had hives!

Q: Why was red fish’s mother unhappy with her son’s grades in school?
A: Because his grades were all below "C" level.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who played golf on Christmas
   and accidentally hit a bird?
A: He got a partridge on a par three.